Journal Entry No. 18
By Anje Delport
April 08, 2019
The shapes and colors of the feelings inside of my chest have changed over time. The weight of these shapes has transfigured across my 23 years in ways that I could never imagine.
I guess I was always aware of a certain heaviness inside my chest, a certain circular fog that prevented me from breathing normally at times. However, it wasn’t until I was truly alone for the first time that this heaviness really made itself known to me. I had no choice but to address this mass that lay within my ribcage. Then a lot of things started to make sense.
I realized that the shapes and colors settling within my mind and body were heavily dependent on the people around me; how secure they made me feel. I became conscious of the deeper colors stuck inside my chest that date back to my childhood; dark shades of black and grey – the kinds that keep you up at night. I recognised layers of contrasting colors that blended into this ponderous existence inside my chest – an internal exhibition on display for the first time.
It took me over two years to work through these colors and shapes. The process was painful. I now understand myself and my history very differently to what I had previously comprehended. With time I came to appreciate the colors and shapes within my chest; a sense of acknowledgement for who I am today. I now live in harmony with the colors and shapes within my chest; a sense of aplomb and self-sensitivity. I use them as a guide and a place of conscious solace. Most importantly, I am now the curator of these colors and shapes. They belong to me now.
From: Cape Town, South Africa
Lives: Melbourne, Australia
Immersed in: Work as a social worker, personal photography, singing, pottery, painting
The Forme & Sens journal is curated by Tiana Petrullo in collaboration with a beautiful community of contributors who have offered to share their personal experiences with mental health. To encourage a contribution of the most raw and real experience, minimal guidance has been given. All stories have been willingly shared and written to reflect what is personally most prevalent to the writer. Together we offer knowledge, awareness and acknowledgement.