Journal Entry No. 15
By Daria Ryzhova
March 11, 2019
For a long time I thought that depression didn't exist – that it might be a bad mood, lack of motivation, melancholy. I believed that people used the word 'depression' to make us feel pity about these feelings. I was so wrong.
It started last year when I moved to Canada to join my husband. I was 20 and extremely scared to leave my home to begin a completely new life. I couldn't find any people in this new place and didn't have a job for a long time. I tried exploring Vancouver but usually ended up somewhere in a cafe with only one companion - my notebook. Writing down all of my feelings helped me to understand that things were going really badly. My notes were about wishing to be dead.
My husband wasn't supportive and I wasn't loud enough. I closed myself to the outside world and it became harder and harder to talk to other people. I was always sociable and extroverted but found myself in a position where saying something caused pain in my chest. Every word was stuck in my throat without a chance to be said. After four months my partner told me he wanted to divorce. My world was being ruined too quickly.
I begged him to stay and try one more time, I thought that it was something about me. After two months the situation repeated – 'you don't motivate me,’ he said. This phrase changed everything. There was nothing wrong with me, it was only about him and his perception that I couldn't change no matter what.
My depression lasted one year. Nothing could bring me joy – there was no clear meaning in life and I was hopeless. Homesick, divorced, alone. One guy tried to take advantage of my vulnerable state and I wish I could have had enough strength to stop him. When I woke up in his bed the next morning I felt disgusting and extremely lost. Why is this all happening to me? When did it start?
This pain brought me to yoga teachers training and showed me that there are a lot of beautiful people who will love you just the way you are. You are already perfect, you are always 'enough'.
And now I share this message with others.
Depression is real and I'm not afraid to talk about it.