Journal Entry No. 19
By The F&S Community
April 15, 2019
We asked. You answered. Words directly from the Forme & Sens community.
01. A lifelong companion that I can't escape, but can manage.
02. Something that should be normalized.
03. A constant feeling of dread and never being able to be fully present.
04. Something that most people have but aren't aware of.
05. Needing change.
06. Crippling exhaustion and an inability to form clear thoughts.
07. Not my identity.
08. Feeling your lowest only for reasons that you've created.
09. December in July.
10. An illusion that every part of your life needs help.
11. Persistent feelings of inadequacy.
12. Conformity that we've imprisoned within ourselves.
14. Thoughts that life is pointless and just too hard.
15. Like a season that comes and goes.
16. Surreptitious weight of the past that fills in the space around me until I'm too tired to get up.
17. Damp, dark, heavy.
18. A complete lack of vitality.
19. Being underwater and not being able to come up for air.
20. A void you just cannot fill.
22. A weight.
23. A master of disguise
24. Feeling like you need to be carried by someone else, except you'll never be light enough for anyone.
25. Our greatest teacher of self if one manages to nurture the strenuous relationship.
26. Worth living through no matter what.
Note from the editor.
We asked. You answered. This is a new resource in which we hear from you, The F&S Community – encouraging externalization and bringing us together with shared experiences.
As someone who experiences the effects of depression, this project can be quite heavy. It can be hard to make space for it when, at times, I struggle to make space for myself. It is sometimes necessary to take a step back. In our first community survey, I asked you, the F&S community, what depression is. The response was overwhelmingly real and was the perfect reminder for why I keep up with this constant conversation about mental health.
It is always meaningful to be reminded of how present these things are among the people surrounding us. These notes have all come from different people – words directly from the community. Let's keep sharing, connecting and learning, even when we may need to slow the pace.
For me, 'Depression Is’:
Much less suffocating once you feel what it's like without it.
An imbalance that doesn't have to be permanent. Treatable.
I have been physically frozen by my depression. I have explored the idea of disappearing and have tried to feel anything but the deep sadness that is impossible to fight. I’ve cried a lot, and hard, for 8 hours straight. There are feelings of devastation, pain and grief for what could have been. It has lowered my self esteem and made me think that every aspect of my life is negative. It comes and goes, and when it’s present it's almost impossible to remember that it will ever be normal again.
Trying different methods of help, mainly a medication and therapy, gave me a chance to have days that were no longer bad in majority. Being able to see how normal life can feel has made a big difference in my perspective. I used to feel like I couldn't win this fight or that progress wasn’t happening fast enough. Even these first steps have shown me that it can only get better and have created the space in me for this project to live and grow.
The Forme & Sens journal is curated by Tiana Petrullo in collaboration with a beautiful community of contributors who have offered to share their personal experiences with mental health. To encourage a contribution of the most raw and real experience, minimal guidance has been given. All stories have been willingly shared and written to reflect what is personally most prevalent to the writer. Together we offer knowledge, awareness and acknowledgement.