Journal Entry No. 16
by Lily Butson
March 18, 2019
Youth. Found within an adult is often characterised as:
Adulthood is teaching me, however, that this is not youth, this is human.
This is growth.
Youth in fact is nothing but lost.
It is the innocence we long for - purity, play and honesty.
A fearless demeanour.
An affectionate nature.
Confidence silences the mind and one's appetite for life is truly ravenous.
Youth I am learning, is allowed.
My struggles (unashamedly) with multiple mental health ‘issues’ that seemed to spiral into one another all first surfaced within both my youthful age and youthful essence – that we all contain and act as an extension of. That which is living still within. Facing the root cause is something that I am only now brave enough to delve into and I am quickly realising that it is far greater than I ever imagined.
It begun with silence, a soft echo. Maybe of my subconscious.
I was entirely numb with loss.
I had grown up fast but this was something else.
This was me, taking my own youth for hostage.
As the world I knew around me fell apart, I too followed suit and tore myself apart.
A battle between my innocence and maturity broke out.
So badly I wanted to be fixed like I perceived the grown around me to be. While really their tenderness was seeping through as they wept in solitude, something I denied myself of for a long time.
Our energy as children comes from our inexperience (without making the word ‘inexperience’ sound all too patronising). Because to have experienced less and live without the need for knowing would enable me the ability to breathe the oxygen adequate for a full life.
Sadly, purity is lost all too soon. We are drowned out and pulled at our limbs – to enjoy our bloom but too to be grown, ripened and aged.
We want to perfect as those before us have and it is here that we lose ourselves. We lose our fire and silence, our spirit.
This spirit is our key to expression.
The key that opens the heart, that feels pain so deeply and strongly, yes. But with that comes passion and love to be felt just as greatly.
It was with experiencing things at such a gentle age, stretching an already big heart to its will, when I found that I didn't know who that internal voice was.
It gave me only dreams and ideas and not the answers I wanted to know. Not the complete silence that I foolishly thought that you gained with age.
This unfamiliar voice was questioned and doubted, and then quickly feared.
I fought fear with distractions as addictions, unaware that I was not denying my fears to be seen, but denying myself of feeling – of being human.
I suppressed myself from childhood, longing to be free from this noise in my head when in fact it was just me all along.
My struggles with mental health are not the fault of anyone. Maybe myself you could argue, for being so ‘naive’ as children are. But I believe that we are all guilty. Guilty, as both children and adults, of refusing ourselves of this play within us that makes us susceptible to falling yet too equips us with the stamina to get back up.
We, I, have this constant hunger as adults, for knowing, which I will highlight that I am yet to satiate, and am discovering that there may never be an ability to do so.
There is a part to being human that is often drowned out, if not by yourself then now commonly by society. It is always there with us – it lies generally in our subconscious. It is our youthfulness, our key.
Though we differentiate between the two, ourself and ‘it’, it is just us – our confidence and our intuition.
It is our knowing that we’re afraid to hear.
This is how my healing of mental health disorders has begun.
Not knowing, but learning.
Being a kid again.
Granting myself that permission. The permission, yes, to hurt and feel and break and fall but too to play and dance – to listen and to live.
Creating space to become present (another act of youth living within) with myself and my mental health has made me aware of not only when and maybe why, but how – how I can heal and how I can live my life greater, happier.
In fact, writing this has been the first step in doing so.
A shadow of ache that has followed me for the past fifteen years of my life, has faded.
Lily Kay Butson
24, Aquarius Sun, Virgo Moon, Taurus Rising
From: Melbourne, Australia
Lives: Melbourne, Australia
Immersed in: Dreaming, writing, creating - aka The Sonder Sphere. Writing when she can't breathe and playing when she can't focus. Cooking, painting, dressing up, dancing around her apartment, and a new found love with handstands. As writing has become a part of her profession, she has recently made a conscious effort to try new forms of creativity such as self learning French.
Instagram: @__buts, @thesondersphere